Man Leaves His Five Kids and Their Mother to Prioritize Himself After Discovering Her Affairs
A man, who spent nearly nine years raising his ex-wife’s five kids, is now questioning whether cutting off contact with them was the right choice after discovering they had been hiding secrets from him. During their marriage and even after the split, he treated the kids like his own. But when he learned they had been keeping things from him—particularly about their biological father and their mom’s relationships—it really shook him. This revelation led him to sever ties, but now he’s left wondering if he was justified or if he overreacted.
Sometimes kids lie and teaching them not to is part of the parenting process, but you shouldn’t use them to lie for your own nefarious goals
The poster asked if he’s a jerk for cutting off 5 kids with a 6th on the way which were not his own, but had been parented by him for over 9 years
Let me start by saying this isn’t easy for me to talk about, but I’m here, looking for some perspective on whether I made the right choice or if I was too harsh. I’m 41, and I was married to my ex-wife, who’s 38, for about two years. But before that, we had a back-and-forth relationship for almost nine years before we actually got married. During that time, I helped raise her five kids, who were 22, 19, 17, 11, and 9 when we split. I stepped up and became a father figure to them, especially since their biological dads weren’t around. I treated them like my own, and we had a solid relationship.
Even after the divorce, my ex and I still spent time together, trying to work through things. During this time, she’d date other guys, and the kids were often around. I worked out of state, so when I had time off, I’d spend it with them, and I stayed in touch with all of them. But, as you can probably guess, there were a lot of things going on behind the scenes that I wasn’t aware of.
The whole situation came crashing down when I found out, completely by accident, that the biological dad of three of my ex’s kids had just gotten out of jail and was spending time with her and the kids while I wasn’t there. I wasn’t supposed to find out about this, but eventually, it came out. Apparently, they had all been hiding this from me for a while, including covering for my ex’s behavior during our time together. I had always believed I was the one supporting them—paying bills, taking care of things at home, and being the father figure. But when I found out the truth, it hit me hard.
What I learned was that whenever I came home, the kids would hide whatever man my ex was seeing at the time, and they would tell the younger ones not to say anything to me. This wasn’t just a one-time thing—it was a pattern. The whole time I thought I was part of this family, I had been kept in the dark about so much. I thought I was loved and appreciated for being there for them, but I felt like I was just an ATM. It made me feel used, and in that moment, I realized that no one in this family ever really cared about me. They just wanted what I could give them, financially and emotionally.
So, I decided enough was enough. I cut off all contact with my ex-wife and her kids. I couldn’t keep putting my mental and emotional health at risk for people who clearly didn’t respect me or value what I had done for them. I stopped paying bills, helping with anything, and told myself that I needed to take care of myself before I let these people keep walking all over me. I felt betrayed and hurt by all of them. I had done so much for them, but when it came down to it, it seemed like they’d rather protect their mom’s secrets than be honest with me. That’s when I knew I had to walk away.
Now, though, I’m starting to question if I did the right thing. People have told me it’s just typical for men to be emotionally distant or that I’m overreacting. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like I was justified. I gave so much time and effort to this family, and in return, I was lied to and kept in the dark about things that directly affected me. So, I’m torn—was cutting them off the right move, or did I go too far?
I just feel like, after everything I did for them, I deserve more respect than this. Maybe it was a reaction to the hurt feelings and the realization that I’d been treated like a fool for so long. Maybe it’s the betrayal that I can’t get past. I’m not asking for praise for raising them, but I truly thought I was an important part of their lives. Now, I’m left wondering if any of that was real, or if I was just there for what I could give.
It’s tough because, on one hand, I was a father figure to these kids for almost a decade. I helped raise them, and I loved them. But on the other hand, I feel like they all played me. They could’ve come clean and told me the truth, but they chose to hide things from me. The fact that they lied to my face for so long really stings. I don’t think I’m wrong for wanting to protect myself and walking away, but the guilt of cutting them off is still eating at me.
It’s hard because I still care about them, even though I’m hurt and angry. I wonder if one day I’ll be able to reconcile with them, or if this is a permanent choice. I’m just not sure if I’ve made the right call yet. So, I’m reaching out to see if anyone else has been through something similar. Did I make the right decision cutting off contact, or was there a better way to handle all this?
The comments praised the poster for his success on getting out of that horrible red flag of a situation
