Did My BIL Cross the Line? AITAH for Uninviting Him from Thanksgiving

I’m a 35‑year‑old father with twin five‑year‑old boys and a baby girl on the way. My wife had a traumatic childhood — her father sexually abused her and went to prison. She’s healing, strong, and so protective of our boys. We recently shared the good news with family that we’re expecting a daughter.

At dinner with my sister and her husband (my brother‑in‑law, “Shawn”), the mood changed when Shawn congratulated us … and then said he was relieved we’re not having another boy. He went on to ask my wife if she ever worried she would pass her father’s “sexual problems” down to our boys, claiming the issues were genetic and thus boys are “at risk”. My wife was devastated. I was horrified. Afterwards I spoke with my mom and decided: if Shawn and my sister are going to attend Thanksgiving, we’ll instead celebrate separately — in short: Shawn is uninvited. My sister is furious, says we’re punishing her daughters for his words. I feel like my boys were judged for a crime they could never commit and for a past my wife’s father created. AITAH?

Sometimes, family members say or do things that leave you completely unsettled

A man shared how his brother-in-law made shocking remarks about his young sons, leaving his pregnant wife deeply distressed

What’s Really Going On + Legal, Ethical & Family Dynamics

1. The core issue: judging children on the basis of genetics and a family trauma

What we have here is not merely insensitive commentary — it’s a sweeping generalization that your sons are “at risk” or “tainted” because of their grandfather’s actions. That raises multiple red flags:

• It assigns guilt by association to innocent children. Your sons have never behaved inappropriately. They’re five. They’re full of energy. That’s very different from what happened in your wife’s family history.
• It ignores the agency and character of your children and your wife’s healing journey. Instead it reduces them to statistical risk factors.
• It uses pseudoscientific language (“genetic”, “sexual problems will pass down”) to justify prejudice. While there is some research around familial patterns in sexual offending, the picture is extremely complex (and the leap to your sons is neither rational nor justified).

For instance: A Swedish study found that fathers and brothers of convicted sexual offenders had an elevated risk of sexual offending compared to the general population, but the study was very clear: the risk is still very low overall, and there is no gene for sexual offending. ox.ac.uk+2pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+2 So while the BIL might technically point to “genes”, using that to label your twins as potentially dangerous is wildly irresponsible.

2. Family trauma + the boundaries of commentary

Your wife’s history is painful and deeply personal: her father sexually abused her. The fact that she and your family are open about it doesn’t make it a topic for casual speculation — especially when children are present and being judged by that past.

The BIL’s question to your wife (“did you ever worry you’d pass your family’s ‘sexual problems’ down to our kids?”) is beyond rude — it implicitly blames your wife’s body/family for what her father did, and drags your children into that blame. That’s emotionally violent.

Moreover, your wife did not ask for that commentary. She was in a celebratory mood, hoping to share good news about having a daughter, and instead was thrust into a horrifying scenario. That alone gives strong justification to your decision to protect your family.

3. Did you over‑react by uninviting them for Thanksgiving?

Let’s examine that from different angles:

Arguments you did right:

• The BIL’s comments weren’t isolated—they appear to be part of a pattern (he’s made odd comments before, particularly around your boys). You noticed his behavior before, and now this.
• Your primary responsibility is to your wife and children’s emotional safety. If one family member consistently undermines that, choosing to remove them temporarily is entirely defensible.
• Thanksgiving is not just a meal — it’s emotional space, where families show up for each other. Your wife was in tears the whole drive home. That indicates a genuine harm — your decision aims to prevent further harm.
• You consulted your mother and she agreed the BIL’s comment was “insane and unacceptable.” So you have backup.

Arguments some might say you did wrong (and your sister raises):

• Your sister and her daughters are collateral damage — because the BIL’s presence affects them, and they may feel punished for his actions.
• It could escalate family rifts, and there may have been alternative options (e.g., sitting him separately, having a talk, setting rules for acceptable behaviour).
• Some will argue a single dinner comment (though deeply offensive) might not warrant full uninvitation and you risk being seen as heavy‑handed.

4. Family law / rights & social norms context

While there’s no “legal” obligation in most jurisdictions to invite or not invite family members — your decision falls under social/family norms rather than statute — some considerations apply:

• Emotional abuse and psychological safety: You are absolutely within your rights to refuse a space to someone whose behaviour threatens the emotional stability of your spouse and children.
• Defamation or false allegation risk: Note that the BIL has not accused your children of a crime, but he has implied a risk. If he went further and labeled them dangerous without basis, there could be concerns of defamation. But in your case, it’s still about comments and family dynamics.
• Duty of care as parent: You have a moral (if not legal) duty to protect your children from emotional harm. Excluding someone from a gathering because they’ve harmed your children (emotionally) is consistent with that duty.
• Alternative resolution: Sometimes families are expected to “mediate” or “talk it through”; however, your wife begged you just to leave. That indicates that the relationship is at the point where mediation may not be enough for now.

5. High‑energy kids, family tension, and the “boys vs girls” dynamic

Your twins are high energy, which can test family tolerance. The BIL reacting to a pillow fight by yelling at your son (“being aggressive towards his daughter”) suggests he has prejudged your sons as being “aggressive” or “bad” simply because they’re boys. That’s an extra layer of gender bias. Your sister’s comment (“they didn’t think our kids would turn out like their grandfather but it’s something to watch for just in case”) perpetuates the idea that boys are inherently at risk of becoming sex offenders, which is a harmful stereotype.

In parenting and family dynamics, high‑energy boys often get mistakenly labeled “aggressive” or “trouble,” and when you overlay it with past trauma and sexual abuse, you have a volatile mix. Your decision to remove that person from the gathering is a protective boundary.

6. What could be done instead (or next)

Since you asked “AITAH?”, here are suggestions for next steps:

• Communicate clearly and calmly: Send your sister and the BIL a message: you won’t be attending if he is present, until he acknowledges his comment was harmful and commits to better behaviour. You don’t have to engage beyond that, but the boundary must be clear.
• Offer a path to reconciliation: If you’re open, you could say: “We love you all, but your comment hurt us deeply. Before we all sit down together again, we need assurance that our children won’t be judged in this way.” It’s OK to hold space for repair rather than permanent exclusion.
• Protect your wife’s emotional health: Make sure she is comfortable and supported. Therapy, talking, healing from her past trauma — the less space for others to make her feel judged, the better.
• Support your sons explicitly: Because they’re young and their dad is responding, make sure they understand (at their level) that what happened was wrong — not them. That prevents them from internalizing shame or fear.
• Monitor future interactions: If the BIL continues making comments or acting as though the kids are “at risk,” you may need stricter boundaries (separate visits, no alone time, etc.).
• Consider your wider family’s involvement: Your mom supports you. That matters. It may be helpful to have a brief family discussion (without the BIL) about future interactions so everyone’s on the same page.

He went on to explain that he now plans to keep his children away from his brother-in-law for good

No — you are not the asshole here. The BIL made a deeply offensive, inappropriate, and harmful comment that blamed innocent children for a past trauma they did not cause. You and your wife were right to protect your home space and your peace. Choosing to uninvite someone who doesn’t respect your children or your family’s boundaries is a valid decision.

Your sister’s frustration is understandable — her kids will miss grandparents, etc. But that doesn’t override your primary responsibility: to your wife and children. You gave your family a safe space. That’s priority.