Is It Unfair to Want My Wife to Do More Childcare Tasks If She Wants a Bigger Family?
Parenting is hard. Like really hard. And it gets even messier when you and your partner don’t want the same things. In this case, we’ve got a dad who’s already stretched thin raising two kids. His wife really wants more children. He doesn’t. He’s exhausted. Burnt out. Mentally and physically. He works full-time, carries the financial responsibility, and feels like he’s constantly running on empty. Meanwhile, his wife stays home with the kids, which is also a full-time job. But the pressure keeps growing, and he’s struggling to keep up with childcare demands while the idea of adding more kids feels overwhelming. Now he’s wondering if it’s unfair to ask his wife to take on more childcare—especially since expanding the family is her dream, not his.
This story dives into parental burnout, relationship stress, and the very real issue of unequal emotional and physical labor in marriage. It raises big questions about fairness, workload balance, stay-at-home parenting, and financial pressure. We’ll break down why this dad’s concerns aren’t selfish, how mismatched family planning goals can strain a relationship, and why honest communication matters so much. Because when one partner wants a bigger family and the other is already at their limit, something has to give—and it shouldn’t always be one person’s mental health.
It can be tough to have discussions about childcare and family planning because such topics are often deeply personal
The poster explained that his wife always wanted a big family with 3-4 children, and didn’t want more than one, but went along with her ideas as she found it fulfilling
I’m a dad, happily married to an amazing woman, and yeah… I’m stuck in a tough spot. I love my wife a lot. She’s kind, caring, all of it. But when it comes to family life, we’re clearly not on the same page. We’ve got two kids right now. One is 4, the other just turned 1. From day one, my wife’s dream was a big family. Like 3, 4, maybe even more kids. Me? I was always more of a one-kid guy. Two already feels like pushing my limits, and the idea of adding more honestly stresses me out.
I love my kids. I really do. They’re great. But parenting isn’t my passion. It’s not what fills my cup. For my wife, it is. She finds meaning and joy in being a mom, and I respect that. For me though, it’s draining. I work full-time, usually from 8 in the morning to around 6 at night. Five days a week. By the time the weekend hits, I’m tired. I want to rest. Reset. But weekends turn into nonstop family time, which is nice, but it’s not really downtime. And when I have to handle long stretches of childcare on my own, I get overwhelmed fast.
My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and that was always her choice. Financially, we’re okay. Household expenses are covered through my income, and her personal spending is handled through her or family money. So money stress isn’t the issue. The issue is everything else. Cooking. Cleaning. Childcare. Mental load. It feels like we’re locked into a strict 50/50 split at home, on top of me working full-time. And that’s where the frustration kicks in. I’m carrying the financial responsibility and expected to show up equally for all the parenting duties. Sometimes it feels like I’m being asked to fully support a lifestyle I didn’t actually choose. And honestly? That kind of burnout sneaks up on you fast.
Here’s where things really clash. My wife wants more kids, but I already feel maxed out. Like past my limit. She says having a big family is her life purpose, and I respect that. I really do. But it’s hard to match that level of excitement for something I never fully wanted. From my side, it feels logical that if she wants more children, she should take on more of the daily childcare and parenting workload. Right now, it feels like she wants the bigger family and a strict 50/50 split on all the labor. That doesn’t feel fair, especially when I didn’t sign up for this many kids in the first place. The parental burnout is real.
I’m stuck in a tough mental space. I don’t want to be a bad dad. I love my kids and I enjoy time with them. I help when I can. I wake up with the baby sometimes. I do chores. I show up. But when you’re already exhausted from full-time work, emotional labor, and constant responsibility, it’s hard to stay fully invested—especially when parenting isn’t your dream. So I keep asking myself: is it unreasonable to expect my wife to shoulder more of the childcare if she’s the one who wants a larger family? If having 3 or 4 kids is her dream, shouldn’t she take on more of what that actually requires day to day?
Our conversations go in circles. From her perspective, everything should be shared equally. And to be fair, she does a lot. But from where I’m standing, it feels like I’m being asked to carry the same parenting load for a life choice I didn’t want. I’ve tried explaining the stress, the exhaustion, the mental health side of it. But it always comes back to “we’ll figure it out together” and “we need to work as a team.” I get the idea. It just doesn’t feel sustainable the way things are now.
I’m not trying to check out. I don’t mind helping. I don’t mind effort. But something has to shift. Maybe that means she handles more childcare on weekends. Maybe it means a clearer plan so I can actually rest and recharge. Parenting isn’t just about money. It’s physical labor, emotional labor, and mental load all wrapped together. And when you’re not fully on board with growing the family, that constant pressure can lead straight to burnout. I just want a balance that doesn’t leave me running on empty.
I’m not trying to run from being a dad. That’s not what this is. I’m just questioning if the balance we have right now actually makes sense. We’re supposed to be a team, and I want it to feel like we’re both invested in this life, not like one of us is quietly drowning. I think it’s time for a real, honest conversation about what more kids would actually mean day to day. Because if we do have more, the workload is going to grow. A lot. And it feels fair to say that if this is her dream, she should be willing to carry more of that added weight.
The bigger issue is mismatched expectations. When two people want different things when it comes to family size, you can’t just gloss over that and hope it works out. You have to talk about the labor. The time. The energy. The mental load. If one partner wants a bigger family and the other didn’t actively choose that vision, it’s not wrong to ask for a more realistic and fair division of responsibilities. That’s not selfish. That’s respect.
At the end of the day, I want us to land on something that works for both of us. I’m in this. I want to be supportive. I want to show up. But the load has to be manageable for both people, not just one. This isn’t about doing less. It’s about feeling supported, heard, and not burned out while trying to raise a family together.
Most folks advised the man not to give in to his wife’s idea of having more kids, and if they did have more children, he should definitely help out more
